Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Spilling My Guts

I was so touched by hearing so many of you share your stories- your authentic words about your life and why you blog. What I shared before was true- it's just that I've been holding back on sharing a big part of what is going on in my life. So here goes- confession time!

The simple question what do you do (for a living) is not one I like to answer. I apologetically explain to people my meager attempts at trying to sell stuff online.

I realize I'm guilty of not practicing what I preach. I am a firm believer in chasing after dreams and I always try to encourage people to go for crazy things.

Right now what I'm doing isn't traditional. It isn't normal- it's not easy to relate to.

I need to go back a little to explain- My husband Sam and I have gone off and done some interesting things in the 4 years we've been married. Our previous job was running a 10 bedroom lodge. We learned a lot about life then. We realized we loved working together. (Yes- we're one of those obnoxiously pukey couples who would love to spend every minute together) We share so many of the same interests, and we learned that our differences in personality complements eachother. We also learned through that job that we can live off of a small amount of money. I guess I realized I hate the idea that our selfworth is determined by how productive we are. Everyone always wants to know if x,y, and z is done by the end of the day. And it seems life is a competition- the one with the most points wins. I just really hate that mentality. I don't think it's good to sit around- I'm all about working hard and productivity, but I think there is more to life than making money and spending it. I also think that there are more ways to make a living than a 9-5 job. I have nothing against people who love working that kind of job, it just isn't me at all.

So Sam is so so sweet and supportive. He is working for his dad right now. He works very hard and we are able to live just fine off of that one income. I love cooking, I love making things, and I want to help people. These are some of the things I want to do with my time. I don't care about making gobs of money to have cool stuff. (But don't get me wrong- I love pretty things!- this is where the thrifting addiction comes into play)

As of now I am trying to find my niche in making stuff. I really think this is what I'm meant to do but I'm really struggling with figuring out how to work from home and figure out a schedule. I have trouble putting myself out there and being confident in what I make. I am trying to pin down a style and look to what I make and it's not easy. I love so many different mediums, I feel like I need to pick one.

I have been taught a huge lesson in all of this. My self worth isn't determined by how productive I am, what everyone else thinks of me, how much money I make, how cool my job is. I am not successful right now. People don't know how to react when I tell them what I do. It's also largely my fault because I don't take myself seriously. I say, "I uh sorta am kinda trying to sell stuff online..." (Yeah, how should someone react to that?)

I learned that God loves me for who I am. If I can't walk tomorrow and can never work another day in my life, it doesn't matter. If I am failing miserably getting it together with my professional life, it doesn't matter. I still think I need to figure it out myself, but I know it just doesn't get me anywhere. The simple gospel I have known my whole life--that Jesus died for me and my confidence is in him and who he is and what he has done--I have had to truly accept and trust that. It is so funny to me how this lesson is learned and relearned again and again in my life in so many ways. I have had some really low points to come to the peace and joy that I have right now. I could go on and on about how I've been humbled and am learning, but I'll just stop there.


Cowgirl said...

Becca -- I love it when blogs become real. What I mean is when bloggers start to get risky and really put themselves out there with less regard for what others may think. I certainly do not believe in revealing all (it is the Internet, afterall) but digging a little deeper and exploring the maybe not-so-pleasant aspects of living make a better read.

I myself am still trying to push the envelope more and keep my postings real for no reason other than it helps me work things out. It is cheaper than therapy, no doubt.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble but I read something in your post that got me thinking.

Live life with no regrets...its hard but its do-able.

Cheers. gina

swell.life said...

way to spill it...this was a beautiful post! i think you need to stop measuring your success against the wealth of the world. you have been investing your time wisely in growing closer to God, living simply, being an amazing wife to sam, and leading a content existence. that is so much more successful than most.

am still trying to work up the courage to write about how much i am crumbling lately...

Lesley said...

What a thoughtful post. I think you found your nitch...and that of being authentic. The world needs more women like you.

V. said...

very cool....I don't apologize anymore either....



Stephanie said...


I know that you wrote this a while back, but I've just recently added myself as a follower and I guess I just want to encourage you to keep creating and don't give up. As I say that to you, I say it to myself. I can really relate to what you are going through. I believe that the Lord uses the process to refine us and gives us so many little opportunities to take that leap of faith. Thanks for your honesty!