Thursday, January 15, 2009

Being Honest

I need to be honest here.  I have just been feeling sorta down lately.  It's such a weird thing.  I really don't like to be negative on here- but I just need to get it out.  I struggle with the church I go to.  I am struggling with what I'm doing right now, trying to make things to sell.  I'm wanting to get more involved in the community.  We have been making an effort- we joined an outdoor online group.  I am just longing for and praying for some more friends.  I need people here my age who are like me.  I feel like we are moving toward our goals, that is what we're always doing, will we ever get there?  Will I ever be complacent?  I feel all of our experiences and travels have given us a very clear picture of what God wants for us in our life.  Life is sinful, certain things will always suck- I know this, but I always search for the greener grass.  Is this wrong?  Do I need more peace with where God has me now?  Or is it a healthy thing.  Am I just running?  There will never be the perfect job.  Sam and I know we're happier when we work together.  We have had the pleasure of experiencing just about every combination of circumstances- while I'm grateful I also think this makes us more dissatisfied because we have tasted glimpses of what our life could be like.  We want to be different.  We're ok with being different, it's a good thing.  We want to scale back- spend less money so we can earn less money and have more time to give of ourselves.  That is the ultimate goal.  We are working toward it right now.  What that will look like, I'm not sure.  Will we own land?  Will we have our own business.  And where on earth is that going to be???  I feel like we've made a big circle and we're back at the beginning.  Back at square one.  I am so confident that God will guide us there. His plans have always impressed me.  It's so hard for me to be patient though.  

We are trying to live more intentionally.  I guess it's sorta working.  It looks that way from the outside anyway.  On the inside I feel lousy.  I feel guilty for never really helping others the way I would like to.  I see things I could do- money I could donate but I feel like I'm a really big cheapskate and I'm really selfish.  

I don't like to be superficial.  Is this blog becoming way too superficial?  Do I really talk about who I am, is this my voice?  How come there isn't more talk of God on here.  Am I ashamed- is that the real reason?  I see these bloggers who write beautifully about their faith, but I think that's not me.  Why isn't that me?  Do I want to be known for my art or my walk with God?  If you read what I write it doesn't look like I care.  I do, I have a hard time sharing it openly.   I don't write eloquently or cute.  I'm blunt and cynical and never stop with the run on sentences.  I want to be more genuine, more authentic.  It is good to be open with people- tell it how it really is every once in awhile.  This is real life.  Life has struggles.  I struggle.  God listens, He hears me.  I know this- I'll keep pounding away and He will put up with it- He will do so much more than that.  It's this crazy love He has that I can never understand.  Then I go through this cycle.  I feel guilty-I ask for forgiveness-I am forgiven-I am relieved-I sin-I feel bad again- I know I don't need to- this is the walk.  That whole feeling bad- the guilt- my sin- I don't do a good job of sharing that openly.   Who wants to admit it?  It's hard.  Yes so I feel weird posting this, but that's that.  

4 comments: said...

aww becca, thanks for so candidly sharing your's way intimidating to write stuff like this to the entire universe. i am impressed.

remember that God is never too early or too late. He'll reveal all of his big plans for your life to you in His good time.

i've been having some major faith/trust issues lately too. sometimes i like to try to make God too small...and then become frustrated when i can't work things out on my own.

hang in there! give me a call...i'm off today and tomorrow.

Andrea said...

Hi Becca,
Thank you so much for deciding to post this. I appreciate your honesty and courage to put yourself out there and admit your struggles. The amazing thing about admitting struggles is that now you will have a host of people who will be fervently praying for you, encouraging you, and uplifting you. Even if it's just through blog world. Maybe someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) you will have a church family who will do the same.

Even if you're not feeling great about where you are, I want you know that I am so thankful that God lead you and Sam to Spokane. You have been a huge part of my transitioning here, not to mention the spiritual encouragement and fellowship.

I hope to see you soon!

elizabethincambodia said...

Bek, way to go!
Honesty in the world of blogs is extremely rare! Too many people spend their time trying to be clever or artsy and hide behind that! Kudos!
I identify with a lot of your feelings, and I'm excited to see God build your faith and confidence in Him as He reveals His will to you... even if He reveals it to you in retrospect!!
In all things, He is always good!
Love you much!

From Sunday to Monday said...

Bek I am so thankful for skype! Its one thing to talk and its another thing to really see who you are talking to. I never feel like our 3 hr convos are a "waste of our day" so I am glad we got to connect this morning. Great post I am glad you shared. I should send you one of my mamas creations...I think its a great quote " I get up, I walk, I fall down, meanwhile I keep dancing!" =) Oh and thanks for all the advice